a lesson of endurance

i'll tell you flat out
it hurts so much to think of this
so from my thoughts i will exclude
the very thing that i hate more than everything is
the way i'm powerless
to dictate my own moods

i've thrown away
so many things that could've been much more
and i just pray my problems go away if they're ignored
but that's not the way it works
no that's not the way it works

when i go down
i go down hard
and i take everything i've learned
and teach myself some disregard
when i go down
it hurts to hit the bottom
and of the things that got me there
i think if only i had fought them

if and when i can
clear myself of this clouded mind
i'll watch myself settle down
into a place where
peace can search me out and find
that i'm so ready to be found

i've thrown away
the hope i had in friendships
i've thrown away
so many things that could have been much more
i've thrown away
the secret to find an end to this
and i just pray
my problems go away if they're ignored
but that's not the way it works
no that's not the way it works

when i go down
i go down hard
and i take everything i've learned
and teach myself some disregard
when i go down
it hurts to hit the bottom
and of the things that got me there
i think if only i had fought them

any control i thought i had just slips right through my hands
while my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
reprimands me
then and there i confess
i'll blame all this on my selfishness
yet You love me
and that consumes me
and i'll stand up again
and do so willingly

You give me hope
and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart
and when You do you make it light
as i exhale i hear your voice
and i answer You
though i hardly make a noise
and from my lips the words i choose to say seem pathetic
but it's a fallen man's praise
because i love You
oh God, i love You
and life is now worth living
if only because of You
and when they say that i am dead and gone
it won't be further from the truth

when i go down
i lift my eyes to You
i won't look very far
cause You'll be there
with open arms
to lift me up again
to lift me up again

"Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is very fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life."  --james 1:12