i'm not, but i've been living like i am. yes, i'm in a place of transition, and yes, i'm not quite in the land of milk and honey, but i'm not in prison. i'm not being tortured for my faith. i'm not following a religion with a god who is indifferent toward me, or angry with me...I am following a God who wants to spend intimate time with me, and only wants good for me.
it's something that he told me at the boiler room friday night...i have lived for many years believing that God only lets us see a glimpse of himself a few times a year, times when i would consider i've had a "revelation" from him. looking back over this blog i can see these times so clearly, but he has now challenged all that. friday night i asked him for something new again, something to hold on to, and i'm not saying that he does not give us those things, but what he told me was that the times i've received such revelations were the times in which i stuck one of my toes into the ocean of his spirit. he is a continual revelation. he is always the same, always new, always magnificent. he always knows what i need to hear. he always knows how to challenge me. he isn't just that way sometimes.
i have been quite a harlot in my thought life lately. i have spent huge amounts of time worrying over this season of my life, being frustrated with everyone i know, deluding myself that i'm doing everything right, withholding my love from others, tearing Tristan down because his beautiful faith makes me feel small and helpless. has anyone else ever accused God of prostituting himself with loving other people? it sounds so sick when you say it out loud, but i've been running from him because of it.
i've got to start filling my head with "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable..." (philippians 4:8). funny that the verses right before this one say:
- rejoice in the Lord always
- let your gentleness be evident to all
- the Lord is near
- do not be anxious about anything
- with thanksgiving (not accusation) present your requests to God
- the peace of God will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus
That's what I need...the peace of God to guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus.
we sang "Be Thou my Vision" this morning and I was so impacted by the words...
Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.
this is so true--thoughts about Jesus are the best thoughts I can have, and I have been starving to death without them.
there's a verse in Psalm 119 that I love and that I've been remembering as I look back over my old blog posts:
"Your decrees have been the theme of my songs wherever I have lived" (psalm 119:54).
i use a lot of song lyrics in my writing, because God uses a lot of song lyrics to speak to me. they are where i go when i don't know what else to do...where else to turn. i process things through music, because i'm a worshiper at heart (Tristan is learning to be an evangelist). =) i love being able to say that instead of sex and drugs and making money, that God has been the theme of my songs both at home and in Greenville and in Arapahoe, and hopefully in Charlotte one day. i do want that...i have to start letting him back into the song of my heart.
along with all of the reminiscing i've been doing about my spiritual past, i am reminded to
"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland...because I provide water in the desert and streams in the wasteland, to give drink to my people, my chosen, the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise" (isaiah 43:18-21).
i have felt like Joseph in prison, waiting for God to bring about the visions he had in his youth. i have been spending my time waiting for promises to be fulfilled, but i have been waiting anxiously, not peacefully. i was reminded today of the Israelites in captivity in Egypt, slaving away as they waited for their God. their God, my God, delivered them. i remembered today, however, that immediately after delivering them from slavery, he brought them into a desert. it must have been hot, and they probably got sunburned, and it must have been smelly--can you imagine living for 40 years without a shower?
i have to surrender to this place in my life. this city, this college, this degree program, this campus ministry, this church, these friends. it is okay if i am living in the desert if that means i am on the road to the promised land, to the place that he is sending me. it is okay to not have all my desires met, and to not be as comfortable as i would like to be, because all of my needs are met. You are all I need, Lord. He did not take them to the desert to abandon them, to separate himself from them, to decrease their faith, or to watch them suffer. He took them to the desert because it was on the way to where they were going.
please take me where You're going....
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