i have to be honest now.

i fell apart yesterday.

i've been so busy...with the Sociology class and trying to kill myself with keeping this house clean
and driving makes me tired and nervous and all the sports camps and extra meetings at church and i'm shot. we leave for War, WV on saturday and i can't go on a mission trip like that...i don't have anything to give people anymore....

            so, like always, i tried to cover it up and continue going on and try to find the bright side and all i found was guilt from never being able to do enough, fatigue from not sleeping enough, and worry from not being able to be everyone's super hero and be able to carry everyone and handle everything all at once. even my quiet times had erroded into planned spaces of time in which i had to hurry up and do something else to help someone...i couldn't hear God anymore, and it really scared me. at youth group last night i realized that if anywhere, that should be the place where i can be who i am and not wonder if people would think badly of me.
                                                  
                                               i shouldn't even try to wear a mask there.

so i didn't. i didn't try to entertain everyone, and i didn't pretend i was bubbly and happy inside. and as people were hugging and laughing and talking about how great God is, i started crying. and i realized that i hadn't in such a long time and that it felt so good. and then one of the leaders, Jeff, came up and said something and i started sobbing and it hurt...but it felt good to know that it was ok to hurt--it wasn't anything to hide and that there were people there that loved me even though i couldn't run the world on my own. i try to do that all too often and i always end up paying for it. and i was just saying everything that i had blocked out of my mind and everything came tumbling out and tears were everywhere and Whitney and Greg let me cry too. i hardly ever cry about anything...but i dearly  love them for letting me be real and for being strong when i couldn't be anymore. Jeff said i wasn't allowed to work the camp this week...that i had to stay home and learn to make time for myself...so that's what i've been doing today. a whole lot of nothing. but after crying out to Jesus with everything in me last night...being quiet and calm and not doing much was ok. it was soothing and i didn't feel guilty about it. some of us are getting together to pray about the mission trip tomorrow, so that will be good. they're such great role models....

"I don't want your sacrifice--I want your love. I don't want your offerings--I want you to know Me."
~Hosea 6:6 

so yeah. to be honest: i'm not perfect, i over-commit, and i do have bad days.