me, i tremble like a hill on a fault line

and i wanna be like a tree...

2010-09-29T21:36:00.002-04:00

planted by the streams of living water...

and filled with the Holy Spirit! =)

"And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it. Then you will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope. May he be given glory in the church and in Christ Jesus forever and ever through endless ages. Amen!"
-ephesians 3:18-21

You are good.

2010-01-18T00:40:00.001-05:00

...and You are good enough.

thank you, Daddy.

let's try this again.

2010-01-16T21:32:00.002-05:00

I'm afraid the end of last semester got swallowed up by my senior honors project, and then the majority of Christmas break got eaten alive by getting Tristan ready for Ghana. Now that's he's safely there and I'm back in Greenville...there's been a little more time to reflect.

With Tristan in a country five time zones ahead, I haven't had him around to talk to at night, and so, I've been journaling this week...just like before I met Tristan. It was years ago, but I remember praying about him and praying for him, and wondering if the timing was right yet, and then knowing that it was. Of course I remember praying about other things too. It is such an amazing thing that we can open up our lips or minds or notebooks and just communicate. The Life You've Always Wanted calls it 'interrupting heaven." Speaking to the Lord and hearing him speak back...and gosh it has been a long time since I've allowed myself the luxury of journaling regularly. God has already answered so many prayers this week!

"Come now, let us reason together," says the Lord. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool. If you are willing and obedient, you will eat the best from the land" (isaiah 1:18-19).

I think I've been a little scared of it...scared of God...scared of being vulnerable and naked in front of him. Scared I was wasting opportunities and scared he wasn't proud of me. But how can I know what he feels toward me if I won't look at him? I can't sit around being afraid anymore...it's true that I probably have let opportunities to love people pass by. I probably have missed conversations that could have been turned toward him...but I can't pay for that or change it. I have to keep moving forward. I have to start looking for the opportunites tomorrow, and let God's mercies be new again then.

"I do not mean that I am already as God wants me to be. I have not yet reached that goal, but I continue trying to reach it and to make it mine. Christ wants me to do that, which is the reason he made me his.... I know that I have not yet reached that goal, but there is one thing I always do. Forgetting the past and straining toward what is ahead, I keep trying to reach the goal and get the prize for which God called me through Christ to the life above" (philippians 3:12-14).

Daddy, please continue to speak in my life this week. Please open my ears to what you're saying. Help my heart to be soft. Help my mind to be clear. Make my hands willing. I love you.

when the curtain falls...

2009-11-20T20:47:00.004-05:00

i am so judgmental sometimes. and i am not enough of a machine to make myself meet the deadlines i fill my life with. that's the honest truth. = /

absence makes the heart grow colder

2009-11-06T09:05:00.004-05:00

Whoever decided to get people to start saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" was a liar. While this adage may prove true during a short period of absence...I highly doubt it would work over a long period of absence. And one thing is certain: Absence is not the best way to have a relationship with someone.

It is definitely not the best way to have a relationship with Jesus.

As I let Jesus back into my life, I'm becoming more and more aware of how little I've been hearing his voice lately. This doesn't mean that he hasn't been speaking to me, it's that my ears have been too stopped up to hear him. If I want him back in my life, I'm going to have to stop starving myself.

It reminds me of a line in the Caedmon's Call song entitled "Sacred":

could it be that everything is sacred?
and all this time
everything I've dreamed of
has been right before my eyes

when I forget to drink from You
I can feel the banks harden
Lord, make me like a stream
to feed the garden

We hear so often the passage from Jeremiah 17:7-8 about being like a tree planted by the waters, but this line takes it a step further and is about being the waters. It is true that God needs to be the "water" in our lives, but aren't we called to "water" others? To encourage them in their faith and to nourish their hearts? The writer is saying that when the living water isn't coming from God, our "banks" harden. Our hearts, which are where we experience revelation from God and compassion for others are no longer able to experience. We become like the dry bones in Ezekiel (ezekiel 37:1-14). How wonderful it is, then, that God is able to bring life even where there is death! For "breath entered [the bones]; they came to life and stood up on their feet--a vast army" (ezekiel 37:10).

Lauren and I were talking about this at the CCF Fall Retreat: that we have to be spending time with God so that our spirits are soft enough to encounter God in worship.

Hosea 12 talks about the people of Israel "feeding on the wind" and "chasing after the wind" instead of God. In chapter 13 God says to them:

"I have been the Lord your God ever since I brought you out of Egypt. You must acknowledge no God but me, for there is no other savior. I took care of you in the wilderness, in that dry and thirsty land. But when you had eaten and were satisfied, you became proud and forgot me. So now I will attack you like a lion, like a leopard that lurks along the road. Like a bear whose cubs have been taken away, I will tear out your heart. I will devour you like a hungry lioness and mangle you like a wild animal" (hosea 13:4-8).

This may sound crazy to some people, but this speaks life to me. I need my heart to be torn out because it is filthy! Praise be to God, who chooses to attack me instead of letting me wander away from him!

Praise to the God who refuses to let my heart grow cold through absence. =)

bind my wand'ring heart to Thee...

2009-11-05T16:51:00.004-05:00

if there's anything I've been reminded of this week, it's that love is tough. love is so much work--loving hurts. it's so much about giving and it takes so much strength to love a person. the energy it takes even to choose to love another person...gosh.

Ephesians says we need to be given power in order to grasp God's love, too:

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God" (ephesians 3:17-19).

2 Timothy reminds us that God has indeed put a spirit of power and of love in in our hearts:

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind" (2 timothy 1:7).

i have been made painfully aware of my inability to love people apart from Jesus. the silliest things fill my heart and my tongue with such rage, such hostility...my flesh is vicious.

on the other hand, i have also been amazed this week at the difference in my ability to love when i am spending time with Jesus every day. =)

and i am been longing for something tangible
some kind of proof
that there’s been change in me
feels like i have been waking up
only to fight with the same old stuff
change is slow and it fills me with such doubt
come on New Man where've you been
help me wriggle from this self i’m in
and leave it like a skin upon the ground
--"like a skin" by Sara Groves

i am not in a bad place.

2009-11-01T11:56:00.002-05:00

i'm not, but i've been living like i am. yes, i'm in a place of transition, and yes, i'm not quite in the land of milk and honey, but i'm not in prison. i'm not being tortured for my faith. i'm not following a religion with a god who is indifferent toward me, or angry with me...I am following a God who wants to spend intimate time with me, and only wants good for me.

it's something that he told me at the boiler room friday night...i have lived for many years believing that God only lets us see a glimpse of himself a few times a year, times when i would consider i've had a "revelation" from him. looking back over this blog i can see these times so clearly, but he has now challenged all that. friday night i asked him for something new again, something to hold on to, and i'm not saying that he does not give us those things, but what he told me was that the times i've received such revelations were the times in which i stuck one of my toes into the ocean of his spirit. he is a continual revelation. he is always the same, always new, always magnificent. he always knows what i need to hear. he always knows how to challenge me. he isn't just that way sometimes.

i have been quite a harlot in my thought life lately. i have spent huge amounts of time worrying over this season of my life, being frustrated with everyone i know, deluding myself that i'm doing everything right, withholding my love from others, tearing Tristan down because his beautiful faith makes me feel small and helpless. has anyone else ever accused God of prostituting himself with loving other people? it sounds so sick when you say it out loud, but i've been running from him because of it.

i've got to start filling my head with "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable..." (philippians 4:8). funny that the verses right before this one say:

rejoice in the Lord always
let your gentleness be evident to all
the Lord is near
do not be anxious about anything
with thanksgiving (not accusation) present your requests to God
the peace of God will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus

That's what I need...the peace of God to guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus.

we sang "Be Thou my Vision" this morning and I was so impacted by the words...

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

this is so true--thoughts about Jesus are the best thoughts I can have, and I have been starving to death without them.

there's a verse in Psalm 119 that I love and that I've been remembering as I look back over my old blog posts:

"Your decrees have been the theme of my songs wherever I have lived" (psalm 119:54).

i use a lot of song lyrics in my writing, because God uses a lot of song lyrics to speak to me. they are where i go when i don't know what else to do...where else to turn. i process things through music, because i'm a worshiper at heart (Tristan is learning to be an evangelist). =) i love being able to say that instead of sex and drugs and making money, that God has been the theme of my songs both at home and in Greenville and in Arapahoe, and hopefully in Charlotte one day. i do want that...i have to start letting him back into the song of my heart.

along with all of the reminiscing i've been doing about my spiritual past, i am reminded to
"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland...because I provide water in the desert and streams in the wasteland, to give drink to my people, my chosen, the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise" (isaiah 43:18-21).

i have felt like Joseph in prison, waiting for God to bring about the visions he had in his youth. i have been spending my time waiting for promises to be fulfilled, but i have been waiting anxiously, not peacefully. i was reminded today of the Israelites in captivity in Egypt, slaving away as they waited for their God. their God, my God, delivered them. i remembered today, however, that immediately after delivering them from slavery, he brought them into a desert. it must have been hot, and they probably got sunburned, and it must have been smelly--can you imagine living for 40 years without a shower?

i have to surrender to this place in my life. this city, this college, this degree program, this campus ministry, this church, these friends. it is okay if i am living in the desert if that means i am on the road to the promised land, to the place that he is sending me. it is okay to not have all my desires met, and to not be as comfortable as i would like to be, because all of my needs are met. You are all I need, Lord. He did not take them to the desert to abandon them, to separate himself from them, to decrease their faith, or to watch them suffer. He took them to the desert because it was on the way to where they were going.

please take me where You're going....

early

2009-10-30T08:31:00.003-04:00

Thank You, Jesus, for the CCF breakfast club this morning! What an answer to prayer. Thank You for meeting me where I am and for being so endlessly patient. Thank You for stirring a longing for evangelism in me, and for bringing it within reach...

revival

2009-10-29T19:12:00.002-04:00

What a week! There have been so many thoughts, so many obstacles, so many breakthroughs, so many attempts at change. Thank you to everyone who has listened and been patient with me. I am such a stubborn learner--in math, in dance, and in life.

I'm really excited about starting this blog...I had one in livejournal in high school, which I'd like to import into this one soon, and I checked, I started it in June of 2004. That was forever ago. Blogging has always been a place for me to work through the hard places God is taking me, and it has always been a place to really be honest with myself. There's no reason to pretend things are going okay when they're not in a blog. So here's to honesty...

We were talking at the 2:42 leader meeting on Sunday about finding ways to allow people to see us at the feet of Jesus. To see us like Mary, choosing the "one thing that is needed." It is my hope that this blog will be a way to shed some light on the work Jesus is doing in me--thank goodness He's so patient, for "He who has begun a good work in you will complete it" (philippians 1:6).

You know my name
You know my story
still You’ve taken on the world just for me
i am amazed that You hear me speaking
You listen close to every word i say
who am i to be loved this way?

help me remember the day You won my heart
and paid my way to freedom with Your love
help me imagine the beauty of this gift
a grace that i am so unworthy of
but You’ll never let me fall away from You
You know my name
--detour 180, "you know my name"

2005-04-19T16:25:00.000-04:00

does anyone not have major plans for june and want to go on a mission trip? it's really a lot of fun and the people we go with and help with are all absolutely wonderful. just let me know....

a thought for the day

2005-04-19T15:56:00.000-04:00

now the plummer's got a drip in his spigot
the mechanic's got a clank in his car
and the preacher's thinking thoughts that are wicked
and the lover's got a lonely heart
my friends ain't the way i wish they were
they are just the way they are

and i will be my brother's keeper
not the one who judges him
i won't despise him for his weakness
i won't regard him for his strength
i won't take away his freedom
i will help him learn to stand
and i will, i will be my brother's keeper

now this roof has got a few missing shingles
but at least we got ourselves a roof
and they say that she's a fallen angel
i wonder if she recalls when she last flew
there's no point in pointing fingers
unless you're pointing to the truth

2005-04-17T17:33:00.000-04:00

because on and off
the clouds have fought
for control over the sky
and lately the weather has been so bi-polar
and consequently so have i

2005-04-16T14:17:00.000-04:00

i talked to the rents about Into the Woods last night=we bought another nose today

i've got to dye my hair again today b/c it'll be white by the show if i don't

i'm really hate writing outlines for apush

anyone remember the dates and times for the show at hawfields?

not incredibly excited about next week.

2005-04-15T20:45:00.000-04:00

"Someday, the light will shine like a sun through my skin & they will say, What have you done with your life? & though there are many moments I think I will remember, in the end, I will be proud to say, I was one of us."
--"One of Us", brian andreas

it'll all be worth it later...i'm just not great at being patient.

thoughts.

2005-04-13T18:59:00.000-04:00

"Spring is like a perhaps hand
(which comes carefully
out of Nowhere)arranging
a window,into which people look(while
people stare
arranging and changing placing
carefully there a strange
thing and a known thing here)and

changing everything carefully

spring is like a perhaps
Hand in a window
(carefully to
and fro moving New and
Old things,while
people stare carefully
moving a perhaps
fraction of flower here placing
an inch of air there)and

without breaking anything."
--e.e.cummings

a lesson of endurance

2005-04-10T11:35:00.000-04:00

i'll tell you flat out
it hurts so much to think of this
so from my thoughts i will exclude
the very thing that i hate more than everything is
the way i'm powerless
to dictate my own moods

i've thrown away
so many things that could've been much more
and i just pray my problems go away if they're ignored
but that's not the way it works
no that's not the way it works

when i go down
i go down hard
and i take everything i've learned
and teach myself some disregard
when i go down
it hurts to hit the bottom
and of the things that got me there
i think if only i had fought them

if and when i can
clear myself of this clouded mind
i'll watch myself settle down
into a place where
peace can search me out and find
that i'm so ready to be found

i've thrown away
the hope i had in friendships
i've thrown away
so many things that could have been much more
i've thrown away
the secret to find an end to this
and i just pray
my problems go away if they're ignored
but that's not the way it works
no that's not the way it works

when i go down
i go down hard
and i take everything i've learned
and teach myself some disregard
when i go down
it hurts to hit the bottom
and of the things that got me there
i think if only i had fought them

any control i thought i had just slips right through my hands
while my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
reprimands me
then and there i confess
i'll blame all this on my selfishness
yet You love me
and that consumes me
and i'll stand up again
and do so willingly

You give me hope
and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart
and when You do you make it light
as i exhale i hear your voice
and i answer You
though i hardly make a noise
and from my lips the words i choose to say seem pathetic
but it's a fallen man's praise
because i love You
oh God, i love You
and life is now worth living
if only because of You
and when they say that i am dead and gone
it won't be further from the truth

when i go down
i lift my eyes to You
i won't look very far
cause You'll be there
with open arms
to lift me up again
to lift me up again

"Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is very fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life." --james 1:12

and the roller coaster dips again.

2005-04-09T23:34:00.000-04:00

i know that i'm all moody and angry and emotional far too often. i just want to start all over and stop making messes.

and this week the trend
was to borrow all the strength that You could lend
to keep my head above the water and not descend
back to where i said i'd never go again

so i say
give me a solution
and watch me run with it
and then You gave
You gave me a solution
what have i done with it?
cause i was absolutely sure i had it all figured out
way back then
but after this day it's this week all over again

and i just want to get mugged at knifepoint
to get cut enough to wake me up
cause i know that i don't want to die
sitting around watching my life go by
and what we take from this is what we'll get
and we havn't quite figured it out just yet
because all of us are all too stuck
strapped to a chair watching our lives blow up
stuck watching our lives blow up...

today=

2005-04-09T18:04:00.000-04:00

*my mom's birthday=chocolate cake!
*working on too many projects
*the beverage gallery with my jenny =)
*beautiful, wonderful sunshine and green grass

swing dancing, anyone?

2005-04-07T20:29:00.000-04:00

there's gonna be a swing dance thing @ western high school friday night from 7-11...and it's $5 to get in...and it's super fun =)

if anyone has the time and the guts to try...let me know!

i'm a silly, silly girl.

2005-04-06T17:00:00.000-04:00

i worry a whole lot. about school, about ap tests, about people, about faith, about other people's faith, about the play, about getting enough sleep and exercise, about spending time with God, about spending time with just me, and on and on and on...and it's all really silly. i cannot control other people and i cannot count on my plans.

so i was in my room last night stretching and listening to music and enjoying the candles and God was just like...you don't have to worry! i'm so much bigger than all of this and i'm taking care of you...and you're going to be alright if you just let me handle it all. and i have to do that. it's a whole lot easier said than done...and i really don't like being in situations where i can't do anything...but i guess i'll have to just get over that. and stop waiting for things to all be completely ok and comfortable because they never will be.

i used to see the world in black and white
now i find myself lost in a fog of grey
i thought the good guys always won the fight
but i've learned life simply doesn't work that way
i once believed if i loved others
they would love me too
but i've seen that isn't always so
i thought that inner peace would come from trusting who i am
but it's really about trusting who i know

so when the winds of change try to blow me over
and the shadows of confusion hide the truth
i will hope in the One who is forever
i will run to You
i will run to You

ever since the moment life began
humankind has tried to solve its mysteries
so many things we cannot comprehend
so we draw conclusions that we can believe
well, i know that Your hands have placed the earth upon the seas
and pitched a tent in the heavens for the sun
the Author of the universe is the Father who loves me
so only one conclusion can be drawn

when the winds of change try to blow me over
and the shadows of confusion hide the truth
i will hope in the One who is forever
i will run to You
i will run to You

when i face the questions that seem to have no answers
and i know my friends are but a precious few
i will hope in the love that never changes
i will run to You

though the perils of life seem so great
and hope seems so frail
You never fail, no
shadows may not disappear
but You've always made it clear
truth will prevail
You will prevail

so when the winds of change try to blow me over
and the shadows of confusion hide the truth
i will hope in the One who is forever
i will run to You
i will run to You

2005-04-04T20:07:00.000-04:00

what a day.

now i want a nap. and prayer is always great. thanks.

2005-04-03T16:13:00.000-04:00

"There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death."
--proverbs 14:12

the sermon this morning was on wisdom...like the wisdom that people have about living on their own, and the wisdom about living that God has. it was about how God asks us to live in a way that seems strange and illogical sometimes, and so we do what seems right and sensible to us and the most logical at the time, and then wonder later why our lives have fallen apart.

sounds like the American dream to me....

ready to relax

2005-03-31T22:29:00.000-05:00

well, it's official: i have just sent the first scholarship essay. *breathes a sigh of relief*

i've had so much to do this week and i've just been pushing hard to get finished and not really thinking about spring break. i'm super close to being done with all of the homework and i think i can maybe just relax for the next couple days. i'm trying really hard to imagine that....

can’t believe that i did it again
wake me up from this nightmare
‘cause this monster is wasting me away
and taking my days
everyday i live a bit less
one night leads to another
even if I went back
would they recognize me
or criticize me

who are you that lies when you stare in my face
telling me that i’m just a trace of the person i once was
cause i just can't tell if you're telling the truth or a lie
on you i just can't rely
after all you're just a piece of glass

still i control this nightmare
when i call it answers
but i can't tell it when to come or when to stay

don’t talk
listen
hold me tighter
stay with me just for a while
until the sun shines stay with me
just give me one more day

who are you that lies when you stare in my face
telling me that i’m just a trace of the person i once was
cause we're not the same
you're just a picture of me
you’re gone as soon as i leave
you've lived my life for me
and you're no more than a piece of glass

oh...i just got it! it's a mirror...and oh how true....

my hair is super-nifty

2005-03-30T10:06:00.000-05:00

and yeah--it's purple.

i went to the thing at drago's last night and won trivial pursuit--who'd have thought? and i participated when we played whiffleball and bocce ball...and enjoyed it (triple shocker)! ;)

i found this this morning and thought it was wonderful:

"He reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters. He delivered me from my powerful enemies, from those who hated me and were too strong for me. They attacked me at a moment when I was weakest, but the Lord upheld me. He led me to a place of safety; he rescued me because he delights in me."
--psalm 18:16-19

in the spirit of easter...and stuff...

2005-03-27T15:50:00.000-05:00

it doesn't take much
for my heart to break
and You have done it
for what's seems the millionth time
whenever i hear
of Your saving grace
and how You gave Your life
in exchange for mine

sometimes i wonder why You even love me
and why You ever chose to call me child
then i remember
it's by Your sacrifice
i can say that
i am Yours and You are mine

it doesn't take much
for me to shed a tear
and You have done so many things
to make me cry
whenever i think
of all that i've done wrong
and everything that You have done
to make it right

sometimes i wonder why You even love me
and why You ever chose to call me child
then i remember
it's by Your sacrifice
i can say that
i am Yours and You are mine

it doesn't take much
for my heart to break
and You have done it
for what's seems the millionth time

i thought they were funny...

2005-03-26T05:51:00.000-05:00

"this is a rare picture of the Easter scorpion & if you ever wondered who started all those stupid rumors about a bunny, well, now you know."
--brian andreas

"You don't have to believe in the Easter scorpion, but it'll still put a little more juice into the whole idea of putting your hand into dark places looking for eggs."
--brian andreas

it's going to be a good day.

2005-03-26T05:44:00.000-05:00

i can tell already. i woke up at 8 and the birds were singing and i got up and i've already had a shower, eaten breakfast, started the "energy-efficient home" poster and put away my clothes and the towels and i'm onto the chapter 24 outline for mr. preudhomme. there's an egg hunt at church today, and we're going out to eat with my aunt and uncle tonight...and i'm going to goodwill later! =)

2005-03-25T12:58:00.000-05:00

i'm super ready for this break.
i got up at 11 and have been relatively lazy as of yet...though i'll proabably start homework soon so i can really relax later in the week. i'm starting to not feel so awfully sick...and i thought i'd give you a heads up on my hair...i think i'm getting purple highlights on tuesday. ;)

i tried to start working on my environmental video...but i don't really know how. there are several movie clips that i want in it...but i don't know how to save them and put them in it...and if anyone already knows info on the evils of diamond mining...let me know!

i was listening to this song the other day...and i realized again just how much i need to work on it.

i've got one of those brains
that can't remember where i set my keys
oh, but i could recite every hurtful word ever spoken to me
i say i forgive
i try to forget
but it's like getting caught in a rainstorm
and tryin' not to get wet
oh, and i've weathered my share of wrongs
by God's grace i am slowly dryin' off

and i've carefully compiled
a list of names and faces
and i can point out the scars that each one gave me
and i've plotted my revence
fueled by these mental images
but today i'm thowing all my pictures away

cause love doesn't keep a record of wrongs
it lets go
it moves on
oh cause time goes by too fast
to keep painting pictures of the past....

my family will disown me...

2005-03-23T20:19:00.000-05:00

the teachers lost...*tear*...but i really had a great time! i got into it and i think i followed along really well--

just don't tell anyone. ;) shhhh...

2005-03-23T16:59:00.000-05:00

carries a lot of suitcases but all of them are empty because she's expecting to completely fill them with life by the end of this trip & then she'll come home & sort everything out & do it all again.
--"veteran traveler", brian andreas

just thought it was time for an update...
*my dad's birthday was monday=flan at la cocina (mmm...)
*i'm super ready to sleep in next week
*i'm thinking the teacher-student game will be interesting ;)

I've always thought I was taller than I looked, she said, but that belief is not without difficulties.
--"believing tall", brian andreas

off to a college visit...

2005-03-17T18:03:00.000-05:00

here is my heart
take what You want
'cause i have no use for it anyway
well of all the stupid things i've ever said
this could be the worst
may be the best
but those are the breaks
these are the bruises
and if i can't give myself away
i'm the only one who loses
and i don't want to lose this

it is the sea that makes the sailor
and the land that shapes the sea
and i do not know yet what i am made of
or all i may someday be
and it is the wood that makes a carpenter
it's the very tools of his trade
and it is love that makes a lover
and a cross that makes a saint

here is my song
listen if you will
but i have no heart for it anymore
i just have half a mind to cut it loose
and if it sails off into the blue
then i'll just let it soar
and the sky is good at keeping
and i won't be any poorer
for giving it its freedom
and here's one for freedom

it is the sea that makes the sailor
and the land that shapes the sea
and i do not know yet what i am made of
or all i may someday be
and it is the wood that makes a carpenter
it's the very tools of his trade
and it is love that makes a lover
and a cross that makes a saint

well, of all the stupid things I've ever said
this could be the worst
may be the best
but those are the breaks...

i always come back to rich mullins--he had such astounding faith...

this is so perfect!

2005-03-16T20:17:00.000-05:00


leotards are love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

i loved this show...but clarissa was my favorite

2005-03-15T17:24:00.000-05:00

You scored as Legends of the Hidden Temple.

Legends of the Hidden Temple

83%

Doug

83%

The Adventures of Pete and Pete

67%

Kablam!

58%

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

58%

The Secret World of Alex Mack

50%

Clarissa Explains It All

50%

Rocko's Modern Life

42%

Rugrats

42%

Double Dare

Ren & Stimpy

Which Old School Nickelodeon Show Are You?
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2005-03-14T16:26:00.000-05:00

"I promise you not a moment will be lost as long as I have heart & voice to speak & we will walk again together with a thousand others & a thousand more & on & on until there is no one among us who does not know the truth: there is no future without love."
--brian andreas

i want to be real. it's time to be honest, open, and to live life like i'm not afraid. unafraid to love people and to wake up in the morning vividly loving my Creator. i refuse to live like our society says to. i refuse to be fake and mask what i am. i will love me, i will love others, and i will love my God authentically and unashamedly. and in the words of william lloyd garrison, "i will be heard."

yay!

2005-03-14T15:17:00.000-05:00

You scored as Sleeping Beauty. Your alter ego is Princess Aurora, a.k.a. Sleeping Beauty! You are beautiful and enchanting, and as sweet as ever.

Sleeping Beauty

94%

The Beast

75%

Donald Duck

75%

Peter Pan

69%

Snow White

56%

Cinderella

56%

Pinocchio

56%

Goofy

44%

Cruella De Ville

38%

Ariel

38%

Which Disney Character is your Alter Ego?
created with QuizFarm.com

2005-03-13T13:44:00.000-05:00

acquire the fire was super great...much better than last year. less commercial, more relative, and the newsboys concert was lovely. they did this song and i really really liked it:

all my world
all i've lost
the wrecks i've made here
the lives it cost
Your hand restores
Your works make whole
with all my soul
i thank You
i owe You
all my devotion
all that i have to give
here's my devotion
You're all that it means to live

all my past
my tainted main
You stole its legacy
of pride and shame
You're all i love
You're all i fear
i'm drawing near
to face You
to know You
to show You devotion
all that i have to give
here's my devotion
You're all that it means to live

You found me
in a shallow grave
You tracked me out from beneath it all
You healed me
saved me
in the nick of time
Your perfect time

i devote all i have to You
i devote all that You've made new
all You restored that day You bled
all that You brought back from the dead

devotion
all that i have to give
here's my devotion
You're all that it means to live

i needed to hear this.

2005-03-10T21:31:00.000-05:00

why do you put your trust in such shallow things?
you're told that they will bring you love
you should know better
there is more than this

you may once have known Me
or maybe not
but I have known you since before your time began
meet the Creator of man

I can't help you
if you look at yourself
I can't heal you
if your mind's somewhere else
let Me love you
put your eyes on Me and I'll be your strength

you talk about a strength that comes from within
but there's no energy that does not come from Me
won't you look at Me?

I can't help you
if you look at yourself
I can't heal you
if your mind's somewhere else
let Me love you
put your eyes on Me and I'll be your strength

to Me you are so special
so special
can't you see?

---------------------<---------------<----------------<------@

and congrats to the cast of We Were Young That Year!
=) break a leg tomorrow...

@------------>-------------->------------------
"Oh! May the God of green hope fill you up with joy, fill you up with peace, so that your believing lives, filled with the life-giving energy of the Holy Spirit, will brim over with hope!"
--romans 15:13

2005-03-09T18:31:00.000-05:00

i feel like a zombie.

and i hate ap classes.

2005-03-07T21:31:00.000-05:00

like one of the writers of Psalms, i'm completely out of answers.

"So where is the love you're so famous for, Lord? What happened to your promise..."
--psalm 89:49

i know that i don't belong here..and i desperately want to go home.

"If you lived on the world's terms, the world would love you as one of its own. But since I picked you to live on God's terms and no longer on the world's terms, the world is going to hate you...they are going to do all these things to you because of the way they treated me, because they don't know the One who sent me."
--john 15:19,21

hey daddy...
can you pick up all of the pieces and fix me?
i need you to teach me to be quiet and happy with the things i have
and to understand that i don't need anyone else to love me
and that after everything that has gone wrong...
that i can still be special.

2005-03-07T19:01:00.000-05:00

and more homework.

i must see the One who walked the earth

2005-03-05T16:25:00.000-05:00

i keep coming back to this song:

40 days in hollywood
40 nights in hell
how's life in your comfort zone?
out here on sacred ground i'm doing swell
the new word is i'm crazy
could have told you that before
but if you've got the guts to join me
leave your sandals at the door
because there's no turning back
no wasting time
no giving up on what i know is mine
no way i'm stopping
not a chance i'm backing down
i've come to fight for mercy
and take this angel town

i hear it so clear
it pounds upon my heart
who will give ear?
and sacrifice to start?
am I alone?
if so it is well with me
do you know that the truth will set you free

40 days in hollywood
40 nights in hell
sweet seduction plagues the streets
and i know now why she fell
but there's no time for distractions
and i will not close my eyes
i'm hunting for the hurting
desperate in their cries

i hear it so clear
it pounds upon my heart
who will give ear?
and sacrifice to start?
am I alone?
if so it is well with me
do you know that the truth will set you free...

just some thoughts...

2005-03-04T23:20:00.000-05:00

"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself."
--Harvey Fierstein

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
--E. M. Forster

"Still we live meanly, like ants; though the fable tells us that we were long ago changed into men; like pygmies we fight with cranes; it is error upon error, and clout upon clout, and our best virtue has for its occasion a superfluous and evitable wretchedness. Our life is frittered away by detail."
--Henry David Thoreau

and i really like kendall payne...

child, don't close your eyes
the truth contains much beauty
and though it scars your soul
it can heal the wounds it makes
you've been deceived
to think that pain is to be dreaded
when you've got nothing left
it'll give more than it takes
if you can be honest
i can be too

just be still....

2005-03-02T21:01:00.000-05:00

easy isn't what I'd call this
who knows what easy means
the more I try to make this happen the less it's clear to me
the hope that keeps me moving is in Your promises to me
and right now that's enough
it's gonna have to be

sometimes yes
sometimes no
sometimes that's the way it goes
You're not giving any secrets away
who's to know
who's to say
sometimes it's hard to live this way
holding on
letting go
when it's sometimes yes and sometimes no

i wanna know just what it looks like
what the answer's gonna be
i wanna grab a hold of something
to give me some security
and know it's You i'm hearing
gently helping me to see
when everything i've prayed for
is not Your will for me

and it's not poetic justice that has me waiting all this while
it's the way a loving father deals with his child
so this is how i'm learning
holding on and letting go
sometimes yes and sometimes no...

was doing outlines for preudhomme and thought it was nifty...

2005-02-27T23:30:00.000-05:00

"I have been called a pioneer....a pioneer is a man who comes to a virgin country, traps off all the fur, kills off all the wild meat, cuts down all the trees, grazes off all the grass, plows the roots up, and strings ten million miles of wire. A pioneer destroys things and calls it civilization. I wish to God this country was just like it was when i first saw it and that none of you folks were here at all."
--Charles Marion Russell, frontier artist

and it made me think of a rich mullins song....

well the Lord said let there be and there was
on the earth below and in the sky above
well then He knocked off work 'cause it was Friday night
come Saturday morning everything was just alright
sure enough

well, the Lord said let man choose and man did
well, there's been sorrow and trouble in the world ever since
but there's hope for us still in the Word God says
if we'd just be smart enough to just say yes

30 Hour Famine went wonderfully...more on that later

2005-02-27T11:25:00.000-05:00

i search the diamond sky
i raise my voice and cry
seeking for answers why
and a way to cope

the questions multiply
as silence testifies
and doubt comes to imply
there is no hope
but deeper in me still
there is a stronger will
when I've done all I can
I will stand with a higher faith
trusting in a sovereign Lord above
who is good and is just
higher faith
like a river running deep in me
carries me upon the sea of grace
into a higher faith

miracles are mysteries
but they speak so clear to me
of life's uncertainty
I want to know
these blessings we embrace
in this life are just a taste
of a heaven that awaits
I want to go

this journey is a trial
a heartache for awhile
but when it all comes down
i want to be found with a higher faith
trusting in a sovereign Lord above
who is good and is just
higher faith
like a river running deep in me
carries me upon the sea of grace
into a higher faith

2005-02-23T21:05:00.000-05:00

time after time
i find myself
losing my mind
i have to remind myself
that this is just a waiting room
and we're waiting for Your love
oh, everything will be alright
and everything will be ok
if I don't let this world carry me to sin
and I don't understand how
we could be so blind not to see
the love that stands in front of
in front of you and me
don't doubt He Loves You
day after day
i find myself
looking away
i have to remind myself
that You're there and I belong to You
don't doubt He loves you, He loves me
He loves me
He loves you, He loves you, He loves you, He loves me

2005-02-18T10:35:00.000-05:00

"Therefore, beloved, looking forward to these things, be diligent to be found by Him in peace, without spot and blameless...."
~2 peter 3:14

2005-02-16T21:34:00.000-05:00

You scored as Hairspray. You just can't stop the beat!!! It doesn't matter what people say about you, you wanna live your life and fight for your cause! Don't listen to what 'cho mama says - you're a big girl now!

Cats

67%

Hairspray

67%

Les Miserables

58%

Grease

50%

Wicked

46%

Avenue Q

42%

What MUSICAL are you???
created with QuizFarm.com

2005-02-14T21:38:00.000-05:00

i'll kill the thing that turns me away
amputate the arm that will disobey
withdraw from everything that's hurting me
until You finish Your work in me

2005-02-13T21:43:00.000-05:00

the heart is a lonely thing to lose in the dead of the night
the heart is a sad thing to lose in the throws of a fight
the heart is the match to the fire
and the embers of desire
to keep it burning

i am a shell of the manner and the means
mine is a story of nothing as it seems
but when we have come this far
and still don't know who we are
does it keep burning?

when it's over
and you see it with your eyes
would you rather have the truth or a lie?

i call for angels to breathe holy on this rust
i call the snakes to come out slowly from the brush
i need a massive overhaul
a revival to fall
to keep it burning

when it's over
and you see it with your eyes
would you rather have the truth or a lie?

the heart is a costly thing to sell in the prime of the years
and my heart is thinly veiled in the usual fears
the heart is the dream
and the kiss
that there could be more than this
to keep it burning...

2005-02-10T18:52:00.000-05:00

the cast list is out.

2005-02-05T22:13:00.000-05:00

my semi-formal dress came while i was @ ECU...
and the extra super good news is that it fits.

and into the woods was...much more fun than doing homework. blah.

yay!

2005-02-05T22:09:00.000-05:00

You scored as Sesame Street. You love learning in creative, hands-on ways. You have many different qualities and diverse friends.

Sesame Street

100%

Care Bears

83%

My Little Pony

83%

Barney and Friends

83%

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers

67%

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

33%

Which Children's tv show are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

grover is my favorite. =)

this is super awesome...

2005-01-30T18:32:00.000-05:00

"One word, Ma'am," he said, coming from the fire; limping, because of the pain.
"One word. All you've been saying is quite right, I shouldn't wonder. I'm a chap who always liked to know the worst and then put the best face I can on it. So I won't deny any of what you said. But there's one thing more to be said, even so. Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things--trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones. Suppose this black pit of a kingdom of yours is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one. And that's just a funny thing, when you come to think of it. We're just babies making up a game, if you are right. But four babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. That's why I'm going to stand by the play-world. I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia. So, thanking you kindly for our supper, if these two gentleman and the young lady are ready, we're leaving your court at once and setting out in the dark to spend our lives looking for Overland. Not that our lives will be very long, I should think; but that's small loss if the world's as dull a place as you say."

- Puddleglum, the Marshwiggle. Excerpt from "The Silver Chair" book 4 in the Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis.

i'm definitely not going to make it through this semester on my own...good thing i don't have to.

2005-01-25T18:21:00.001-05:00

is anyone else going into homework overload?

symptoms:
*dizziness
*sleepyness (even after 8-10 hours of sleep and naps)
*feeling blank
*inability to concentrate
*worry
*forgetting to eat
*wanting to take a "nervous breakdown" break
etc, etc....

since most of the churches were closed...

2005-01-23T17:54:00.001-05:00

here's my version.

when you were born, you were completely unwanted. nobody cared enough to give you a bath, to give you a soft blanket to sleep on, to give you good things to eat. you were discarded and left in the middle of the road to die. not knowing what to do or how to live, you flailed around in the pain of a broken heart and the blood of your past.
and then God walked by. he saw you and immediately loved you, wanted to rock you in his arms and take care of you. he said, "it's okay. you don't have to cry--come here and let's get you all cleaned up." so you followed him and you grew up into a beautiful young woman. because you were still young and fragile, God spent lots of time taking care of you and always listened when you had a question or anything to say. he gave you a new dress and jewelry and even a crown to show everyone how proud he was of you. "you were provided with everything precious and beautiful...you were absolutely stunning." people all over the world found out how wonderful you were.
but you began to let the praise go to your head. willingly, you turned away from the father who had given so much in his love for you. you threw everything away for a few nights of pleasure, defiled the beautiful gifts and defiled yourself. you threw yourself at all kinds of men and threw the resulting children into the fire as a sacrifice to other gods. God was heartbroken. All of your actions made him angry and he had to punish you with the reputation you had earned. Still, he remembered you as an innocent young girl he said, "you'll remember your sorry past...you'll remember your past life and face the shame of it, but when I make [amends] for you, make everything right after all you've done, it will leave you speechless."

i love how it doesn't matter how far she runs away...that there's always a home to come back to and a deep love that is completely unshakable. and it definitely has left me speechless.

it's definitely one of my favorite passages of the bible. it's in the message version here:
http://bible.crosswalk.com/OnlineStudyBible/bible.cgi?word=Ezekiel+16%3A4-63§ion=0&version=msg&new=1&oq=&NavBook=eze&NavGo=16&NavCurrentChapter=16

and this is one of the best songs i've heard in a while...it's by Caedmon's Call and it's called "Mystery of Mercy"
i am the woman at the well
i am the harlot
i am the scattered seed that fell along the path
i am the son that ran away
And i am the bitter son that stayed

my God, my God
why hast thou accepted me?
when all my love was vinegar
to a thirsty King
my God, my God
why hast though accepted me?
it's a mystery of mercy and the song
the song I sing

i am the angry man who came to stone the lover
i am the woman there ashamed before the crowd
i am the leper that gave thanks
yet i am the nine that never came

my God, my God
why hast thou accepted me?
when all my love was vinegar
to a thirsty King
my God, my God
why hast though accepted me?
it's a mystery of mercy and the song
the song I sing

You made the seed that made the tree
That made the cross that saved me
You gave me hope when there was none
You gave me only your Son

my God, Lord you are
my God, my God, Lord you are...

2005-01-21T16:43:00.001-05:00

potbellied pigs are funny. =)

life is good when jesus comes to town.

2005-01-16T22:11:00.001-05:00

...sigh...

2005-01-14T14:43:00.001-05:00

sometimes it's embarrassing
to talk to You
to hold a conversation with
the only one who sees right through
this version of myself i try to hide behind
i'll bury my face
because my disgrace will leave me terrified

and sometimes i'm so thankful for Your loyalty
You love regardless of
the mistakes i make will spoil me
my confidence is, in a sense, a gift you've given me
and i'm satisfied to realize You're all i'll ever need

You looked into my life and never stopped
and You're thinking all my thoughts
are so simple
but so beautiful
and You recite my words right back to me
before i even speak
You let me know
i am understood

and sometimes i spend my time
just trying to escape
i work so hard so desperately
in an attempt to create space
cause i want distance
from the utmost important thing i know
i see your love
then turn my back
and beg for you to go

You looked into my life and never stopped
and You're thinking all my thoughts
are so simple
but so beautiful
and You recite my words right back to me
before i even speak
You let me know
i am understood

You're the only one
who understands completely
You're the only one who knows me
yet still loves completely

and sometimes the place i'm at
is at a loss for words
if i think of something worthy
i know that its already Yours
and through the times i've faded and You've outlined me again
You've just patiently waited
to bring me back and then

You looked into my life and never stopped
and You're thinking all my thoughts
are so simple
but so beautiful
and You recite my words right back to me
before i even speak
You let me know
i am understood

the noise has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation....

not exactly a resolution

2005-01-03T15:51:00.001-05:00

now and then these feet just take to wandering
now and then i prop them up at home
sometimes i think about the consequences
sometimes i don't

well, i realize that falling down ain't graceful
but i thank the Lord that falling's full of grace
sometimes i take my eyes off Jesus
and you know that's all it takes

well, i wish that i could say
that at the close of every day
i was happy with the way that i'm behaving
'cause Job, he chased an answer
the wise men chased the Child
Jacob chased her fourteen years
and he captured Rachel's smile
and Moses chased the Promised Land
Joseph chased a dream
David, he chased God's own heart
All I ever seem to chase is me

well, they say a race can only have one winner
and you know you've got to pull out front to win
God knows the only time i'm winning
is when i'm chasing Him

so, i wish that i could say that at the close of every day
i was happy with the way that i'm behaving
'cause Samson chased a woman
and he chased the Phillistines
i'm not quite sure what Jonah chased
but i know he caught the sea
and Cain, he chased the harvest
while Abel chased the beasts
David, he chased God's own heart
all i ever seem to chase is me

and Jesus chased the money men
and He chased His Father's will
He chased my sin to Calvary
and He caught it on that hill
and Saul, he chased the Christians
'til his blindness made him see
David, he chased God's own heart
all I ever seem to chase is me

this semester, i want to chase after God's own heart like David did. i really like him, because he was constantly messing up but he loved God and had a really super-special relationship with Him...he was also a dancer. =)

2005-01-03T11:34:00.001-05:00

i love this guy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

his name is Brian Andreas and he's wonderful. check out his art here:
http://www.shopatartworks.com/productdetail.asp?id=stp0016&mcid=36&scid=56&pageno=4

"Most people don't know there are angels whose only job is to make sure you don't get too comfortable & fall asleep & miss your life."
--brian andreas

2004-12-30T21:34:00.001-05:00

does anyone else have art next semester?

2004-12-30T20:11:00.001-05:00

the beach was...cold. except the last day--it was super nice...and warm and seagull-y and i learned to crochet! it takes forever, but it's pretty easy. my grandma sent me this:

"For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others."
~Audrey Hepburn

and i just realized that after trying on clothes in the mall...my shirt was put back on inside out. oops. =)

i've officially spent an entire week cleaning all of the weird stuff out of my room.

2004-12-25T22:46:00.001-05:00

it was a lovely christmas.

this year was so different--the last time we stayed home was when i was 1! so waking up in my own bed was really weird...but we made breakfast...real breakfast! my family usually just grabs granola bars on the way out the door...but i made pancakes =) and then we went to see the polar express (the effects in it were amazing)...and then we had christmas with my nana. it was a really relaxed and peaceful day.

cleaning out my room and going through old memories and meaningful objects (both positive and negative) really made me think a lot about what i like and don't like. i made a list of the things that i've decided i really, really like:

candles

simplicity

me (shocker--i think i may have finally learned)

contentment

the velveteen rabbit

quiet

vintage metal canisters

scarves

chocolate

flowers

butterflies

black and white

my sister (another shocker)

and i read proverbs 31 again last night. that's the passage about the virtuous wife--it's really...something i aspire to. i guess i was really in a list-making mood b/c i made another list...here's what God says a virtuous wife is like:

worth more than rubies

trustworthy

full of good works

loyal

talented

selfless

innovative

intelligent

a night owl =)

generous

humble

confident

elegant

thrifty

strong

honorable

joyful

wise

kind

productive

blessed

God-loving =)

this is long enough. i hope you've had a wonderful christmas--and if not, that next year will be.

2004-12-19T21:46:00.001-05:00

this weekend...

it was ____________. pick one:

tiring

exciting

dreamy

lethargic

happy

useful

rushed

playful

silly

sleepy

2004-12-14T17:54:00.001-05:00

i feel like
i would like
to be somewhere else doing something that matters
and i’ll admit here
while I sit here
my mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather
what’s the purpose
it feels worthless
so unwanted
like i’ve lost all my value
i can’t find it
not in the least bit
and i’m just scared--so scared that i’ll fail you

and sometimes i think that i’m not any good at all
and sometimes i wonder why
why i’m even here at all
But then You assure me
i’m a little more than useless
and when i think that i can’t do this
You promise me that i’ll get through this
and do something right
do something right for once.

2004-12-11T21:34:00.001-05:00

fca went christmas caroling tonight and then to katie & christie's for pizza and yummy dessert things. mmm....

is it bad that i don't understand the whole "getting into the christmas spirit" thing? i like giving presesnts and wrapping presents and seeing people smile...and i really really like hot chocolate...but i don't like cold weather and i don't like the selfishness and stuff-mindset that goes along with the typical american christmas...and i really really don't like christmas colors. i like green...but red is such an angry color...even if my grandma says it looks good on me. i think they look really ridiculous and gaudy together. ew.

"God bless you and keep you, God smile on you and gift you, God look you full in the face and make you prosper."
--Numbers 6:24-26

2004-12-10T22:48:00.001-05:00

however many months later she returns.

we took Laura out for her birthday tonight. we went to maria's and then to see Ocean's 12...both of which were very good. it's so nice to be able to drive when i want with as many folks as i want...and I really want to get to know Laura better--nifty kid.

while i was driving everyone home i remembered how absolutely permeated i am with opinions (of which not all are well backed up i admit) and i kept ranting about all of these different things (problems with authority figures, the 50s housewife mindset, etc.). i hope that i didn't irk anyone...i haven't gone off about things like that in a while...

have i mentioned just how glad i am that this semester is almost over?

2004-10-05T19:50:00.001-04:00

"Do everything readily and cheerfully--no bickering, no second-guessing allowed! Go out into the world uncorrupted, a breath of fresh air in this squalid and polluted society. Provide people with a glimpse of good living and of the living God. Carry the light-giving Message into the night...."
~philippians 2:14-15

2004-09-28T21:32:00.001-04:00

just got home from the talent show....

it was amazing!!!

i was so proud of everyone--i don't agree with the judges.

here's who i'd have picked:

3rd: Bobbi Ruffin

2nd: Josh Martin, Morgan Gladden, Jeremy Huynh, and James Shuler

1st: Mike Brigham, A.J. Golding, and Austin Spitler

any changes?

trying really hard to not write the voice of democracy paper

2004-09-27T20:11:00.001-04:00

wow it's been forever since i updated this....

hello, dolly! is finally over and now i can get back to...real life.

relient k has a new album coming out soon--i really like the lyrics to this song:

i watch the proverbial sunrise
coming up over the pacific and
you might think i'm losing my mind
but i will shy away from the specifics
'cuz i don't what you to know where i am
'cuz then you'll see my heart
in the saddest state it's ever been
this is no place to try and live my life

stop right there
that's exactly where i lost it
see that line?
well i never should have crossed it
stop right there
well i never should have said that
it's the very moment that
i wish that i could take back
i'm sorry for the person i became
i'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
i'm ready to
wish i never become that way again
'cuz who i am hates who i've been
who i am hates who i've been

i talk to absolutely no one
couldn't keep to myself enough
and the things bottle inside
have finally begun to create so much pressure
that i do blow up and
i heard the reverberating footsteps
sinking up to the beating of my heart
and i was positive that unless
i got myself together
i would watch me fall apart
and i can't let that happen again
'cuz then you'll see my heart
in the saddest state it's ever been
this is no place to try and live my life

stop right there
that's exactly where i lost it
see that line?
i never should have crossed it
stop right there
i never should have said that
it's the very moment that
i wish that i could take back

stop right there
that's exactly where i lost it
see that line?
well i never should have crossed it
stop right there
well i never should have said that
it's the very moment that
i wish that i could take back

i'm sorry for the person i became
i'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
i'm ready to
wish i never become that way again
'cuz who i am hates who i've been
who i am hates who i've been

who i am hates who i've been
and who i am will take the second chance You gave me
who i am hates who i've been
who i've been only ever made me

so sorry for the person i became
so sorry that it took so long for me to change
i'm ready to
wish i never become that way again
'cuz who i am hates who i've been
who i am hates who i've been

listen to it here: http://www.mmhmm.com

tey-has!

2004-08-02T22:40:00.001-04:00

i'm back. and blank is exactly what i feel. i love feeling this way though, b/c i don't have to worry about anything, i can just be and be quiet and content and...peaceful. i'm usually so moody or worried or even overly excited...quiet is nice.

the trip was definitely not at all like i expected. God stretched me a whole lot more than i would have liked, but i definitely needed it. things i learned:

God is determined to work in and through me. no matter how many times I tell Him that I want to do what i want and not what He wants...He refuses to give up on me.

God's plans and my plans are complete opposites...but I end up much happier when I go with His plans.

that i've been counting on my own strength to get me through...and that's why I can't do all the things i have to do and stay sane. =)

that i have to stop adding to what God asks me to do. it isn't healthy and it's another reason why i feel like i can't get everything done. He doesn't want me exhausted and burnt-out all the time. "A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy. I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of." ~John 10:10

that even though my family isn't perfect...i've got it good. the kids in Lubbock go through so much...they're so empty...

sometimes, the ways God uses me that are unexpected and seem small end up as the biggest and the most important.

i learned just how much of a pride problem i have. i really like to be out in front of people...and i like it when things revolve around me. but it's not all about me. not even close.

expecting and watching for miracles is the best way to see them.

so yeah. that's about it for vague blanket concepts. but there's a song that describes a lot about how i feel now. i've been on a sara groves trip lately...it's called "One Thing I Know"

well the clouds just parted
on a corner of my life
and i can see for miles
and the things i was stuck on
things i thought would never change
they just broke open wide

this is the one thing i know
You said You won't let me go
You said You won't let me go
You've done a good work in me
and You won't quit till i'm free

well the veil just lifted
and i can finally understand
the way You work in me
but even if i didn't
You are still a sovreign God
who has a plan for me

this is the one thing i know
You said You won't let me go
You said You won't let me go
You've done a good work in me
and You won't quit till i'm free

it's good to know
You work with hurting, broken souls
that You'll take a soul like mine
in all the world
nothing's taken hold of me...like Christ

this is the one thing
this is the only thing
You are the one thing
You are the only thing
this is the one thing I know....
~sara groves

2004-07-22T23:58:00.001-04:00

hey everyone! i'm leaving for the Texas mission trip...today...so please pray for us! want to know about it? good.

5 am *shudder*: getting up to clean before people come. ugh.

6 am: Whitney's coming over to pick lice again...she's been at the beach all week...

9 am: hopefully we'll be done and showered and ready b/c Greg is bringing us breakfast...yum.

10-11? am: Joseph and Josh are coming over to work on a song to sing in Texas. then we'll eat...spaghetti.

12:45 pm: going over to the church to leave.

2 pm: leaving! yay!

please pray for us...we'll need it!

wow i need to get some sleep first.

2004-07-22T13:43:00.001-04:00

schedules are out! hopefully things will change some...we'll see.

First Semester:
Dance Company--Fonville
English 11 Honors--Steele
Theatre Arts A Honors--Drago
Latin 2--Keller

Second Semester:
Art 1?!?!?!--Burgess
AP Statistics--Hood
AP US History--PreudHomme
AP Envitonmental Science--Conetta

a beautiful daughter

2004-07-19T00:40:00.001-04:00

gosh i'm excited...it's the perfect solution! i'm going to send out a monthly newsletter to my girls in War! that way, i can write them all more often and say more b/c it will be typed and double sided...much easier and more practical than writing 40-some individual letters every time. the title of it is "a beautiful daughter" and it's really cool....

2004-07-17T23:40:00.001-04:00

i really love going to the dollar tree! we all went today and bought school supplies (i have this obsession with office supplies to it was very exciting), a new barbie dancer dress, baskets for the towels under the sink, hairbows and brushes! b/c i lice-i-fied the old ones...stickers and gift bags. we got some soap and such too.

and i did work on the drama club scrapbook today. yes, i'm only halfway done with "You Can't Get There From Here" and the "Evening of Scenes" but...it will get done eventually. and i've really got to pick up the pace on the Scarlet Letter and the AP US History work. ouch.

i talked to Ryan tonight! he's such a cool kid, and i wish he'd realize how valuable he is. we need more people like Ryan! =)

by the way, i saw "Newsies" tonight! it's just about one of the best musicals i've ever seen, ever. i mean really--the dancing is phenomenal, not to mention that both the dancing and multiple-part harmonies are being performed by fairly young guys. check it out: http://homepage.mac.com/jmar/newsies/

here are some lyrics from it...the song is called "Santa Fe"

So that's what they call a family
Mother, daughter, father, son
Guess that everything you heard about is true
So you ain't got any family
Well, who said you needed one?
Ain't ya glad nobody's waitin' up for you?

When I dream
On my own
I'm alone but I ain't lonely
For a dreamer night's the only time of day
When the city's finally sleepin'
All my thoughts begin to stray
And I'm on the train that's bound for Santa Fe
And I'm free
Like the wind
Like I'm gonna live forever
It's a feeling time can never take away
All I need's a few more dollars
And I'm outta here to stay
Dreams come true
Yes, they do
In Santa Fe

Where does it say you gotta live and die here?
Where does it say a guy can't catch a break?
Why should you only take what you're given?
Why should you spend your whole life livin'
Trapped where there ain't no future
Even at seventeen
Breakin' your back for someone else's sake
If the life don't seem to suit ya
How 'bout a change of scene?
Far from the lousy headlines
And the deadlines in between

Santa Fe
Are you there?
Do you swear you won't forget me?
If I found you would you let me come and stay?
I ain't gettin' any younger
And before my dyin' day
I want space
Not just air
Let 'em laugh in my face
I don't care
Save a place
I'll be there

So that's what they call a family
Ain't ya glad you ain't that way?
Ain't ya glad you got a dream called Santa Fe?

have i mentioned what a cool band BarlowGirl is?

2004-07-16T20:43:00.001-04:00

haha! i hoped it would be an interesting sentence:

"Whitney had it too, so we had a lice picking party and that made it not so awful."

1. Go into your LJ's archives.
2. Find your 23rd post (or closest to).
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions

7 days until Texas!

2004-07-16T19:42:00.001-04:00

i did it! my hair is officially shorter than it's ever been...and i really like it! i want to get a picture on here soon...we'll see.

me, my dad, a couple kids from the youth group, and martin's mom all went out to the scout camp that he works at last night...it was really really cool, even if i didn't understand anything. my dad had a great time, especially since he used to go to things like that all the time. and it was neat, b/c we hardly ever do anything together, and it wasn't awkward or anything. i really need to work on getting to know my dad better.

and i cleaned the bathroom today! what fun...it actually kind of was, b/c my mom and sister were cleaning too, and being silly and listening to music. i really like alphabet soup and gilmore girls. quite a nice combination to round out the day, actually.

i found this this morning and thought it was super cool:

"I pulled you in from all over the world, called you in from every dark corner of the earth, telling you, 'You're my servant, serving on my side. I've picked you. I haven't dropped you.' Don't panic. I'm with you. There's no need to fear for I'm your God. I'll give you strength. I'll help you. I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you. "Count on it: Everyone who had it in for you will end up out in the cold--real losers. Those who worked against you will end up empty-handed--nothing to show for their lives. When you go out looking for your old adversaries you won't find them--not a trace of your old enemies, not even a memory. That's right. Because I, your God, have a firm grip on you and I'm not letting go. I'm telling you, 'Don't panic. I'm right here to help you.'"
~isaiah 41:9-13

on to ap us history homework...ewww....=)

pediculosis capitis

2004-07-15T14:00:00.000-04:00

that's the scientific name for head lice. ick.

yeah...apparently i brought some critters from west virginia back with me. too bad we didn't catch it until 2 weeks after we got it. Whitney had it too, so we had a lice picking party and that made it not so awful. we've treated our houses and have to treat our heads again in 10 days...well 8 now. i'm just glad that it was us instead of someone else on the mission team, b/c we both got it when we went last summer and we knew how to treat it. i really hope i didn't give it to anyone else!

on a more positive note, i'm going to get my hair cut today. i want to to be really...different. i want something choppy and short...hmm....

we found this at http://headlice.org. me and Whitney sure thought it was funny:

Just One Lice is a Louse
        by Judith A. Goren

                           I don't think lice
                                  are very nice.

They check in with their nits
like your head is the Ritz.

They come by the dozens
and bring all their cousins.

They make your scalp itch
'til you scream like a witch.

Every hair is a slide
where they can crawl down and hide.

The nits cling to your roots
like mud clings to your boots.

i thought it was neat....

2004-07-11T13:33:00.000-04:00

i came across this during the sermon this morning:

"For the lips of an immoral woman drip honey, and her mouth is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword."
~proverbs 5:3-4

but then i found this:

"For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart."
~hebrews 4:12

good to know....

definitely one of my favorite passages....

2004-07-09T23:51:00.000-04:00

"...Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine. When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end--Because I am God, your personal God, The Holy one of Israel, your Savior. I paid a huge price for you...that's how much you mean to me! That's how much I love you! I'd sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you. So don't be afraid: I'm with you. I'll round up all your scattered children, pull them in from east and west. I'll send orders north and south: 'Send them back. Return My sons from distant lands, My daughters from faraway places. I want them back, every last one who bears My name, every man, woman, and child whom I created for My glory, yes, personally formed and made each one.... You're My handpicked servant so that you'll come to know and trust Me, understand both that I am and who I am. Previous to Me there was no such thing as a god, nor will there be after Me. I, yes I, am God. I'm the only Savior there is. I spoke, I saved, I told you what existed long before these upstart gods appeared on the scene. And you know it, you're My witnesses, you're the evidence.... Yes, I am God. I've always been God and I always will be God. No one can take anything from Me. I make; who can unmake it? ...Forget about what's happened; don't keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand-new. It's bursting out! Don't you see it? There it is! I'm making a road through the desert, rivers in the badlands...."
~isaiah 43:1-7,10-13,18-19

oh, i love that passage! God used it in so many ways on the mission trip...with my girls in dance, the skits during praise and worship, when i gave my testimony (which was really cool by the way!) and then there's a guy named Jeff that's one of the leaders for our group. he's moving away to go back to school = ( but he was really discouraged one day and he found my Bible that was still opened to that from earlier in the day, it was just what he needed. i like how things like that work out....

"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves...and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good."
~romans 8:26-28

2004-07-07T20:56:00.000-04:00

i like the mountains oh-so-much....

the ballet company was...great with more modern things, but not-so-great with traditional things. however, i don't like traditional ballet to start with, so i was biased against that part to start with.

it rained. a lot. and the tents were pretty disgusting by the end of the weekend...but it was fun. we camped all the time when i was little, but we hadn't in a while. i had really missed it.

and you know what i've decided? dating is really screwed up and i don't like it. why do people always end up hurting each other? i don't know about anyone else, but i sure don't enjoy being ripped to shreds by people i care about....

i guess this is where i am at the moment.

tuxedo in the closet, gold band in a box
two days from the altar she went and
called the whole thing off
what he thought he wanted
what he got instead
leaves him broken and grateful

i passed understanding a long, long time ago
and the simple home of systems
and answers we all know
what I thought I wanted
what I got instead
leaves me broken and somehow peaceful

i keep wanting You to be fair
but that’s not what You said
i want certain answers to these prayers
but that’s not what You said

when I get to heaven I’m gonna go find Job
i want to ask a few hard questions
i want to know what he knows
about what it is he wanted and what he got instead
how to be broken and faithful

i keep wanting You to be fair
but that’s not what You said
i want certain answers to these prayers
but that’s not what You said

staring in the water like Aesop's foolish dog
i can’t help but reflect on what it was I almost lost
what it was I wanted
what I got instead
leaves me broken and grateful
~"what i thought i wanted" by sara groves

2004-07-02T12:02:00.000-04:00

fear is a self-imposed prison.

"God did not give us a spirit that makes us afraid but a spirit of power and love and self-control."
~2 Timothy 1:7

nifty stuff

2004-06-30T14:25:00.000-04:00

a million miles away from anything familiar
a thousand places I would rather be
so I choke back the tears 
and try to find the bright side 
though I find it hard to see beyond my suffering
in my heart I know Your plan is so much bigger
but this small part is all that I can see
and I believe you haven't left me here to wander
still I can't help but ponder where You're leading me

and I ask why this road
why this way 
and this load? 
tell me how far I must go
'til I see 
'til I know why this road

a million miles away from anything familliar
what was it like to be so far from home?
and though You came in love 
the world misunderstood You
there must have been some days when You felt so alone
but You endured 'cause there was joy before You
joy that came because You sacrificed 
since You gave yourself just to spend forever with me 
surely I can trust You'll lead me through my darkest times

when I ask why this road
why this way and this load
tell me how far must I go
'til I see
'til I know why this road

from here I cannot see 
why You'd choose this path for me 
but I don't have to understand 
to believe that You know why....

You know why this road
why this way and this load
You know how far I must go
'til I see
'til I know why this road

"And we know we are going to get what's coming to us - an unbelievable inheritance! 
We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with 
him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with him! That's why I 
don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the 
coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next...."
~Romans 8:17-19

2004-06-30T13:52:00.000-04:00

well, i finally did it.

i just sent the first assignment for Mr. PreudHomme (almost 2 weeks late i might add). ewwwww....

this week has been really relaxed, and i've enjoyed it. i think i've caught up on sleep now, and i re-duct taped my Bible this morning. i cleaned out most of my room yesterday, and i really hope i did ok on the exam i wasn't at all prepared for in Sociology last night.

my youth pastor called...i may be doing puppets for the mission trip to Texas next month. hmmm....

i want to start writing letters to my kids today.

we're going camping this weekend! yay! the Atlanta Ballet is going to be at Appalachian State University http://www.appsummer.org/atlantaballet.php4
and we're going. i've never been to a ballet before....
we're also going to Blowing Rock b/c Abby did a report on it for school and she's never been there.

but what's up with rich text? what's up with the color function?

mint chocolate chip ice cream

2004-06-27T16:16:00.000-04:00

i'm recovering now. i hate how materialistic it is here...and how long it will be before i can get through college and move there to be a dance teacher...but there are lessons i've got to learn before i get there. and i'm ok with that.

i'm supposed to be catching up on sociology...but i'm just being kinda quiet and reflect-y on the trip instead. the exam isn't until tuesday night--and this is more important.

pictures! i haven't gotten mine back yet, but Caleb took digital ones...here's a couple:

my erica! one of my oh-so-helpful dance teachers...and our beautiful girls!

and the performance for all the sports camp kids...they were absolutely wonderful!

me, martin, and whitney hopkins in the play on thursday night....

i want to go back.

2004-06-26T16:45:00.000-04:00

i miss my kids desperately.

it was definitely a different kind a of mission trip. usually we all come back with this huge spiritual high...but this was different. i feel so empty. i rode a van to take a bunch of the kids home this time...that made it harder to leave i think. i know what kind of conditions they live in, i know why they're always dirty...why they don't know how to love each other and why they cling to us so hard and cry so genuinely when we leave. i don't understand why they have to live this way. i feel absolutely and completely selfish. if i had grown up there...i know that i would be one of the most rebellious and most angry people on the planet. God taught us some different lessons this time. i learned that He doesn't always do things the way i want, but that He always does what He says He'll do. i learned how much God has changed me since I started trusting Him. i learned that He can take something that's been shattered into a million unfixable pieces and make it into something beautiful and worthwhile--that's what He's done with me. i learned that telling little girls that you love them and they're beautiful and special will make a child that is completely without hope brighten up with this amazing smile and light all over.
i learned how to love people with everything i have.

last night, i was really upset. my family doesn't understand...they can't even fathom what these kids go through, and how much it hurts to have to leave them. i didn't want to wake up here...and i was so worried about all of those wonderful children. i don't want anyone to hurt them anymore...and I have to trust God to take care of them b/c i can't be with them now. He showed me this:

"'Oh, that they had such a heart in them that they would fear Me and always keep all My commandments, that it might be well with them and with their children forever! Go and say to them, "Return to your tents." But as for you, stand here by Me, and I will speak to you all the commandments, the statutes, and the judgments which you shall teach them, that they may observe them in the land which I am giving them to possess.' Therefore you shall be careful to do as the Lord your God has commanded you; you shall not turn aside to the right hand or to the left.You shall walk in all the ways which the Lord your God has commanded you, that you may live and that it may be well with you, and that you may prolong your days in the land which you shall possess."
~deuteronomy 5:29-33

He always says just what i need to hear....

AHHHHHHHHHHH!

2004-06-18T21:58:00.000-04:00

i'm freaking out! i don't know why i'm so nervous...antsy...anxious. i'm afraid i'll forget something and let everyone down--but everyone isn't counting on me! such a silly girl....

anyway, we leave tomorrow morning for the mission trip. i'm excited and glad and kinda scared too. God always pushes me out of my comfort zone on these things...but that's good for me. Please pray for us! if God uses us to bring people to Him and to make us all stronger, it won't be because of anything we did...and once again, i hope i come back different--more secure, more thankful, more loving, and more outgoing.

night night. i love you all!

i have to be honest now.

2004-06-14T22:26:00.000-04:00

i fell apart yesterday.

i've been so busy...with the Sociology class and trying to kill myself with keeping this house clean
and driving makes me tired and nervous and all the sports camps and extra meetings at church and i'm shot. we leave for War, WV on saturday and i can't go on a mission trip like that...i don't have anything to give people anymore....

            so, like always, i tried to cover it up and continue going on and try to find the bright side and all i found was guilt from never being able to do enough, fatigue from not sleeping enough, and worry from not being able to be everyone's super hero and be able to carry everyone and handle everything all at once. even my quiet times had erroded into planned spaces of time in which i had to hurry up and do something else to help someone...i couldn't hear God anymore, and it really scared me. at youth group last night i realized that if anywhere, that should be the place where i can be who i am and not wonder if people would think badly of me.

                                               i shouldn't even try to wear a mask there.

so i didn't. i didn't try to entertain everyone, and i didn't pretend i was bubbly and happy inside. and as people were hugging and laughing and talking about how great God is, i started crying. and i realized that i hadn't in such a long time and that it felt so good. and then one of the leaders, Jeff, came up and said something and i started sobbing and it hurt...but it felt good to know that it was ok to hurt--it wasn't anything to hide and that there were people there that loved me even though i couldn't run the world on my own. i try to do that all too often and i always end up paying for it. and i was just saying everything that i had blocked out of my mind and everything came tumbling out and tears were everywhere and Whitney and Greg let me cry too. i hardly ever cry about anything...but i dearly love them for letting me be real and for being strong when i couldn't be anymore. Jeff said i wasn't allowed to work the camp this week...that i had to stay home and learn to make time for myself...so that's what i've been doing today. a whole lot of nothing. but after crying out to Jesus with everything in me last night...being quiet and calm and not doing much was ok. it was soothing and i didn't feel guilty about it. some of us are getting together to pray about the mission trip tomorrow, so that will be good. they're such great role models....

"I don't want your sacrifice--I want your love. I don't want your offerings--I want you to know Me."
~Hosea 6:6

so yeah. to be honest: i'm not perfect, i over-commit, and i do have bad days.

found this while cleaning out e-mails

2004-06-12T17:08:00.000-04:00

From a previous article in National Geographic....

After a forest fire in Yellowstone National Park, forest rangers began
their trek up a mountain to assess the inferno's damage. One ranger found a bird literally petrified in ashes, perched statuesquely on the ground at the base of a tree. Somewhat sickened by the eerie sight, he knocked over the bird with a stick. When he gently struck it, three tiny chicks scurried from under their dead mother's wings. The loving mother, keenly aware of impending disaster, had carried her offspring to the base of the tree and had gathered them under her wings, instinctively knowing that the toxic smoke would rise.

She could have flown to safety but had refused to abandon her babies. When the blaze had arrived, the heat scorched her small body, but the mother had remained steadfast. Because she had been willing to die, those under the cover of her wings would live.

It sure makes this verse make more sense....
"He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you
will find refuge." ~Psalm 91:4

GREAT BIG NEWS

2004-06-11T12:09:00.000-04:00

YAY! this is soooooo majorly exciting!

Drago is directing a Gallery Players show!

They're doing Jerry Herman's Hello, Dolly! September 17-26. Auditions are July 26th and 27th (time and place to be announced), and he wants as many people from our program to try out as possible!

=) hint, hint, wink, wink....

What better way is there to get involved in community theatre (and really wonderful community theatre i might add)?!?!?!

Marilyn Fox is the music director. The choreographer is to be announced as well. If all goes as planned, yours truly will be the stage manager and Martin Jacaruso will be the assistant stage manager (we haven't asked Martin yet though...;)) Since this is hot off the presses, the website hasn't been updated yet. However....

you can read about parts here:
http://galleryplayersonline.com/archive/hellodolly.htm

pink bubble gum

2004-06-10T14:50:00.000-04:00

yum....

i fixed some of abby's flowers today. they're pretty.

i love flowers--they make me smile =)

and i picked her up from artsploration...and i've got to go get the soundtrack and songbook that i ordered from the Christian bookstore the other day. yay! i really should learn to play the piano.

sociology tonight...lunch club on saturday @ 1....

countdown for War--9 days! i miss my girls oh-so-much...

i love this passage...

2004-06-09T14:31:00.000-04:00

Hear my prayer, O Lord,
Give ear to my supplications!
In Your faithfulness answer me,
And in Your righteousness.
Do not enter into judgment with Your servant,
For in Your sight no one living is righteous.
For the enemy has persecuted my soul;
He has crushed my life to the ground;
He has made me dwell in darkness,
Like those who have long been dead.
Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me;
My heart within me is distressed.
I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all Your works;
I muse on the work of Your hands.
I spread out my hands to You;
My soul longs for You like a thirsty land.

Answer me speedily, O Lord; My spirit fails!
Do not hide Your face from me,
Lest I be like those who go down into the pit.
Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning,
For in You do I trust;
Cause me to know the way in which I should walk,
For I lift up my soul to You.
Deliver me, O Lord, from my enemies;
In You I take shelter.
Teach me to do Your will,
For You are my God; Your Spirit is good.
Lead me in the land of uprightness.
Revive me, O Lord, for Your name's sake!
For Your righteousness' sake bring my soul out of trouble.
In Your mercy cut off my enemies,
And destroy all those who afflict my soul;
For I am Your servant.
~psalm 143

2004-06-09T13:29:00.000-04:00

You are purple. What a romantic person you are!
You're sentimental and forward-looking (those
are opposites). You're sophisticated and
refined--with a refined taste for chocolates (yum...).
Tempermental and moody, you let
people know when you're angry. But other
times, you just sit and sulk. Alone. When
around people, you're a generous person, with
insatiable needs. You're a starving artist,
basically. You enjoy getting into debates
over politics and religion with people of the
same intelligence as you. But you know they
can never convince you otherwise, you stubborn
person, you. As the unique person you are (not
to mention just a tad bit eccentric...), you're
well-liked by either a few people, or too many
people...

What color are you? (Amazingly detailed & accurate--with pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

this is why

2004-06-06T13:03:00.000-04:00

my pastor was talking about prayer today...well, actually he was talking about all the different names God gave Himself to show us what He's like to lead up to a series of sermons of prayer...anyway, one of them translates to "God my provider." God knows all the stars in the sky (i'll have to look up the reference for that) which is really cool b/c there are quite a few...but my pastor said this and i liked it:

"...as long as the stars are still in the sky, God will provide for your needs...."

another thing is this verse...i found it the other day and i really, really liked it....

"You've kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book.... Fearless now, I trust in God; what can mere mortals do to me? God, you did everything you promised, and I'm thanking you with all my heart. You pulled me from the brink of death, my feet from the cliff-edge of doom. Now I stroll at leisure with God in the sunlit fields of life."
~psalm 56:8,11-13

so yeah...that's why.

i broke the go-mop.

2004-06-05T19:31:00.000-04:00

yeah...oops! i was trying to use the new, little, technologically-sound, wood wipe-y things to clean the dining room floor...but i broke it.

And the duct tape wouldn't fix it!

and what kind of a mood is "predatory", anyway?!?!?

so yes...i've been very productive today..."productive" being the word of the month...i went to my nana's to help her clean out her storage building and then we went to see abby's play.

Review for Arts Alive's the Bronze Bow:

--the set was absolutely amazing! it was incredibly believable and very well done...it kinda helps when the director is an artist...but! downside--there was too much scenery. they kept having to move stuff around and that was annoying.

--costumes were pretty good...make-up was decent.

--acting was...interesting. the lead guy, John Countryman was very good...i was impressed. though...they were too young to believe that they were interested in marrying people...the demon-possesed girl and people that were sick and crippled were very believable. the other girl...Leah...i don't remember her real name...there was a scene with her and John and he was yelling at her and throwing her around and that was very believable...great job to them!

--fight scenes! tons of them. yay! they were wonderful...especially considering that these kids are middle school and younger. it also helps if the director used to choreograph fight scenes for the Sword of Peace...

...everlasting, You are my God
You were, and are, and always will be
neverending songs cry holy, holy
for You are worthy
You are everlasting...

sparkley green toe nails

2004-06-04T20:16:00.000-04:00

yay! that's right, folks...my toes are officially glittery and a pale shade of lime-y green. i really do like glitter.

i slept in today! that was very exciting, i thought. and now i'm re-typing the script for the play we'll do on the mission trip in West Virginia b/c my silly youth pastor is keyboard illiterate. i love him though...such a goober! =) my sister is performing tonight...i hope it goes well. i'm going to see it tomorrow. you know what else?

i really like Frostys at Wendy's. mmmm

some would say I'm foolish
to put my faith in You
and some would say I'm wise because I do
as I consider all of this
all that really matters is

I know, I know who You are
by the way You make the wind blow
and the way You stir my heart
and I have only made it through so far
'cause I know
I know who You are...

conformity

2004-06-03T22:54:00.000-04:00

sociology.

we got the first exam back tonight--my teacher is a funny kid. don't get me wrong, i really enjoy the class and i think he's a very good teacher, but i stayed after class to ask a question about one of the answers that i got wrong and he acted all weird about it b/c i'd already gotten an A. i was confused b/c that was perfectly normal behavior for me and the people in my high school classes...

we were trained to be this way.

i feel like a machine.

funny though, b/c i was just reading this morning:

"And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice--the kind he will accept. When you think of what he has done for you, is this too much to ask? Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is."
~romans 12:1-2

loaded cheese fries are yummy

2004-06-03T17:26:00.000-04:00

gasp! can anyone believe it? could it be?!?!
yep yep...elizabeth finally got one of these things...

so what did i do of interest today? well...i got up and got ready and did devotions and stuff and then i took abby to the Paramount for dress rehearsal of the Bronze Bow. it's this weekend by the way...then me and my katie went out to lunch at Rockola which was lots of fun. i felt really old though--being able to drive is really weird. but i really love my katie! =)

So come and rescue me
I'm here on bended knee
And I'm crying out to You
All I really, really want is to be free
So take my hand, here I am
Oh come and rescue me